This is a highly personalized issue, but there are some general aspects that apply to pretty much everyone in the trans community. I split this up into sections and stages to help make this as clear as possible.
Coming out to parents!
Stage 1: Shock
If They Have No Idea About You
An initial state of shock can be anticipated if you suspect that your parents have no idea what you're about to share. It may last anywhere from ten minutes to a week; usually it wears off in a few days. Shock is a natural reaction that we all experience (and need for a while) to avoid acute distress and unpleasantness. Explain that you haven't been able to be completely honest with them and you don't like the distance that has occurred over the years. Affirm your love for them. Say it more than once. Although they may not initially respond positively to your profession of love, it will penetrate in the hours when they are alone and thinking about it. Remind them that you are the same person today that you were yesterday: "You loved me yesterday, before I told; I haven't changed since then. I'm the same person today that I was yesterday."
Some Parents Already Know
Occasionally, a parent will experience no shock at all: "I always knew you were different; I considered this as a possibility. It's O.K. I love you. You'll have to help me understand and accept the reality." Sometimes they say, "We'd known for a long time because of a letter you left on the table last summer; we've been waiting for you to tell us." In these instances your task will be considerably easier, as they've already worked through some of the stages on their own.
Stage 2: Denial
A Shield from Threat
Denial helps to shield a person from a threatening or painful message. It is different from shock because it indicates the person has heard the message and is attempting to build a defense mechanism to ward it off. Denial responses take many forms: hostility ("No son of mine is going to be queer."), non-registering ("That's nice, dear, what do you want for dinner?"), non-caring ("If you choose that lifestyle, I don't want to hear about it."), or rejection ("It's just a phase; you'll get over it."). Their perception of your gender orientation will be distorted by the messages they've received and accepted from our transphobic society. The manner in which the denial is expressed can range from a serene trance to hysterical crying or shouting. Many parents take a middle-of-the-road approach; they cry frequently.
We Thought They Were Confused
We were sure that our child had been caught up in some form of gay liberation activity that appealed to him because it seemed dangerous and exciting. We thought the media coverage about homosexuality probably attracted them and that they lacked maturity to know what they really wanted. We insisted that they go once to a psychiatrist to deal with the anger that had been building for over a year. We agreed to visit the doctor, too, in a separate session. After two or three visits, the psychiatrist shredded our defense mechanism of denial: "I've counseled many trans young adults and I'm convinced that this is no passing fancy; to the best of my knowledge, your child is transgender."
Breaking Through Denial
If their denial takes the form of "I don't want to talk about it," you should take a gentle and cautious initiative if they haven't changed in about a week. Gently raise the subject when they appear relaxed: "Dad, I've been wanting to talk to you about this for years; please don't push me out of your life. I can no longer bear the burden of lying to you. I love you and want you to continue to love me in return." Personalize your message as a way of penetrating their defense.
There's no need to tell them more than what they ask. Volunteering information about experiences will make them build stronger defenses. Answer only what they ask for; they'll get to other questions at another time. Because they'll experience awkwardness in framing their questions, you may need to clarify the question before providing a response.
One Parent May Be Slower
Be ready to deal with your parents individually, if necessary. Most couples react to this disclosure as they have to other shocks; one takes the lead and moves toward resolution ahead of the other. Don't be upset with the slower of the two. It is not infrequent that couples have dysfunction in their own relationship when this occurs. The one who seems to adapt more quickly may suggest that his/her spouse is actually enjoying the agonizing; the one who moves more slowly may think the other is far too accepting of the situation. Parents who move at different rates may experience tension, whether expressed or unspoken.
Stage 3: Guilt
They'll Feel They've Done Wrong
Most people who deal with transgender identity initially perceive it as a "problem" and ask: "What causes it?" They think if they can locate a cause, then a cure is not far behind. For some, the question becomes introspective: "What did I do wrong?" Whether the cause is viewed as genetic or environmental, they feel clearly to blame. They then question the kind of gender role model they had provided; they will then examine their own gender identity. For a while, no matter which angle the situation is viewed from, they will believe that they are the primary source of the problem. Although both parents usually feel guilty, the parent who is the same gender as the child probably feels it more.
Single Parents Feel Extra Blame
It's not uncommon for single parents to heap extra blame on themselves because of an earlier loss, separation or divorce from their spouse: "I knew I failed you; I just couldn't be both mother and/or father at the same time." When parents feel guilty, they are self-centered. They are not yet concerned with what you've been through; in this stage they're too wrapped up in themselves to attend to your concerns. Because they are your parents, they may not be able to admit to you their sense of guilt. To acknowledge that feeling to you is like saying, "I've brought this horrible thing to you; I've made you different. Blame me." That's not a comfortable position for parents to assume.
Tell Them It's Not Their Fault
You can help them in a variety of ways. Assure them that you don't believe the cause is as simple as they see it. Tell them that there are many theories and that the origins of homosexuality are not known. Provide them with a book to read that is addressed to parents (an excellent paperback is "Helping Your Transgender Teen: A Guide for Parents," by Irwin Krieger, 2011). A book may appeal to them at this point because it can be viewed as an authority. Have the book ready to give them; don't send them to a bookstore to find it for themselves. They may be ready to talk to a trusted friend now; some may seek out a clergy-person. It will be difficult for you to attempt to steer them away from a person of their choosing who you think may not be helpful. If you know an agency that has assisted other families in a helpful way, have the agency name ready. A trans-oriented agency may be able to help them, but they'll resist going to the "enemy camp" for help. Provide the phone number of the local Parents and Friends of the Trans Community or give them the name of some other parents who've agreed in advance to talk to them. Don't expect them to respond immediately to these suggestions; their shame and guilt may hold them back. Providing this information is like planting a seed that may take time to bear fruit.
Stage 4: Feelings Expressed
They Acknowledge Their Emotions
When it's clear that guilt and self-incrimination are unproductive, parents are ready to ask questions, listen to answers and acknowledge their feelings. This is the point at which some of the most productive dialogue between you and your parents will take place. Now will pour forth the full range of feelings: "I'm disappointed that I won't have any grandchildren." "Please don't tell anyone in the family; I'm not ready to face this issue with anyone else." "I feel so alone and hurt; I believe I was better off not knowing" "How can you hurt us this way?" "I wish I were dead."
Since living in a transphobic society has forced you to experience many of the same feelings (isolation, fear of rejection, hurt, confusion, fear of the future, etc.), you can share with them the similarities in the feelings you have experienced. However, allow them ample time to express themselves; don't let your needs overpower theirs. If they haven't read a book or talked to other parents, suggest again that they pursue one of those avenues. Offer to read and discuss a chapter in the book with them or to go to a parents' meeting with them.
Anger And Hurt
Initially, they will no interest in any suggestion of meeting others like you because when they stop blaming themselves for what has "happened", they will begin blaming others. They will be angry that this "catastrophe" has befallen their home; and will be sure it is going to ruin their lives. They will have the feeling they were good parents, hardly deserving of this. Their anger toward you will seldom be expressed to you, but it there for them to deal with. Anger and hurt are probably the most frequently expressed feelings. They are often surface feelings that seem spiteful and cruel. In order for your parents to make progress it is better that they say them than bury them and attempt to deny their existence. They will be hard for you to handle. You may be tempted to withdraw, regretting that you ever opened this issue. Hang in there, however; there's no turning back now. When they begin to express these feelings they're on the road to recovery.
Stage 5: Making Decisions
The Fork in the Road
As the emotional trauma subsides, your parents will increasingly deal more rationally with the issue. It's common at this point for them to retreat for a while and consider the options that lie ahead. It's like reaching a fork in the road that has a number of paths from which to choose. The choice each person makes is a reflection of the attitude they is ready to adopt in dealing with the situation. Both parents may not necessarily choose to take the same path. A number of factors will influence which path is chosen. Reading about homosexuality and talking to other parents will probably encourage them to take a more supportive position. Their religious orientation will play an important part. The general liberal or conservative position they usually hold will also have some bearing. The importance of the restoration of their relationship with you is a major factor. A variety of factors will affect them as they formulate a compatible posture for dealing with this. Three kinds of decisions will be described:
Supportive
Most parents continue to love their child in a way that allows them to say "I love you," to accept the reality of the child's gender orientation and to be supportive. In fact, now that the relationship between parents and child is on a level of mutual honesty and trust, most parents say their relationship is better than it ever was. All parties begin to feel better about what has happened.
Although they may have had some glimpses prior to this time, supportive parents are increasingly aware of your needs. They become concerned about the problems that you have to face.
This Far And No Farther
Sometimes parents respond by making it clear it's an issue that no longer requires discussion. Although they can discuss the matter, they are quite fragile in dealing with it. They have progressed this far and wish to go no further. This does not necessarily reflect a negative attitude toward you. They know their limits and don't want to be pushed beyond them. Although you need to respect that stance, you can still make efforts to reach out to them. Let them know that you love them -- in word and deed. Cautiously let them know some things that you do related to your gender identity; i.e., trans groups you're involved in (community center, religion, athletics). Make it a point not to let them drift away from you. Introduce them to some of your friends; meeting other transgender individuals (in small numbers) will help to break down the stereotypes they may hold.
Constant Warfare
In some instances your gender identity can be the staging area for constant warfare. Everything you do and say is viewed as a symptom of your "problem." The hours you keep, your language, choice of friends, vocational selection, school grades, etc. (However, in reality, it may reflect a parent's feeling of personal inadequacy.) As long as this condition exists, both parent and child are in a no-win position. Generally speaking, if one parent assumes this extreme a position, the other parent may have difficulty choosing a role that is far from it. When relating to their children, parents are often outwardly supportive of each other -- even if behind closed doors they don't completely agree between themselves. I'm convinced that most parents who attend a parents' meeting or who enter into personal conversation with a supportive parent greatly increase the chance that they'll not remain negative. If they won't attend a meeting, maybe they'll meet with some parents at a quiet restaurant. If all attempts fail, don't let the situation get you down. Find a parent substitute or friend to whom you can turn for support.
Relapses
A word about relapses is important. Problem-solving and changing personal attitudes often can be diagrammed as two steps forward and one backward. It's not at all uncommon for parents to slip back a step or two to rehash something you thought was behind you. Allow them time to rework it. It will be disappointing to you when this happens, but it's the way change usually comes about.
Stage 6: True Acceptance
Not All Parents Get This Far
Some parents get this far. Most may love their child without finally accepting the child's life. Many reach the point where they can also celebrate their child's uniqueness. These fortunate ones view transgender identity as a legitimate expression of human nature. When asked if they wish that their child could be changed, they respond, "I'd prefer to change our transphobic society so my child could live their life without rejection and fear." Parents at this stage face up to their own guilt, that they are a part of a guilty society, a transphobic society. They reflect on the tranny jokes they've told and laughed at over the years. They begin to understand the problems they unknowingly created for their child. This coming to terms with themselves may lead them to view the oppression of all transgender individuals in a new light. They begin to speak out against the oppression; they talk to friends about the issues involved as a means of educating others. They support trans friends of their child; they attend parent meetings to help other parents. In short, they become committed to a cause and find a way that is comfortable for them to make a positive contribution. Some do it boldly, others work at it quietly.
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